One day,
You did the best thing, posting your feelings here. We all go through times of hopelessness. It sickens me to see how many people have dedicated their lives to this organization. You are in a time of growth and change. I know it hurts, but you will come out better from this challenge.
Have you ever seen those polished stones, that have been through rock tumblers? When they go into the tumbler, they don't really look that special. They get tossed around and around with some grit and bounce off other stones for long enough, and they come out shining. You can see all the little details of the colors and even the flaws in the stone make them look more unique. A simple rock turns into a small treasure.
I am reminded of the story of Joseph. If you're feeling like reading the Bible, read the last few chapters of Genesis. He got tossed around a lot, and look how he came out. I don't know you personally, but I can sense something spectacular happening here.
Hang in there, and the practical advice that has been given here will serve you well. You are among friends. Your feelings do matter, and you won't be judged or reprimanded for thinking or expressing yourself here.
Keep posting. I think your story is going to help others, who may not yet be brave enough to speak out loud.